It’s an age of worry; everyone is looking to the future - for careers, houses, relationships, some semblance of stability. We’re all waiting for that break, for the moment when everything starts to click into place and the path we’re on becomes the right one.
My path right now feels so new, like footprints in fresh snow. There’s not a lot to work with, no one to tell me what to do. Where I go, what I do, it’s all my choice. There’s no one else to blame if I misstep. I’ve been walking in the wrong direction for so long and feel pretty lost. I’ve always struggled with directions and never really knew where North was anyways.
This confusion was of course brought on by everyone’s favourite nightmare: mental health! Ever since my mental health started declining, I’ve been letting so many things slip by me. People, career opportunities, my self-esteem, the whole lot. Even with endless support and love, it’s hard not to feel like my head is underwater and I can’t bring myself back up for air.
It’s been a strange summer. I don’t know if I fit anywhere anymore, or if I’m just telling myself I don’t. I’m splitting apart like a toothpick under pressure; nothing feels easy anymore, nothing comes naturally.
I’ve been to different places with different friends, always leaving nervous that I did something wrong, that I didn’t ask enough questions or remember enough things; that the impression I left was one of disinterest instead of genuine care.
I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in. From a pimple faced preteen trying to rub elbows with the popular kids, to an uneasy adult faking confidence in the big city. I don’t fit in with a certain group, workplace, even my own body. I sit, speak, and listen when I should, but connections are rare; I never seem to make the right moves.
I’ll be surrounded by friends and make a small comment - the group falls silent. The conversation topic changes. I’m left with words in my throat that I won’t ever let go of.
It’s a heart-squeeze, some chest pain, a small laugh and avoiding eye contact. How can I make people happy if everything feels wrong?
Fitting myself into other people is like shoving a square into a circle; I’m shaving all my corners but still don’t fit the way I should. I feel like I need people to scream and shake me and tell me I belong, but even if my friends were so violently loving, I’d call them liars and feel even worse. My setbacks are often my own doing, and I might be lying to myself more than others lie to me.
It’s quite strange, waiting for the break while breaking. I’m watching from the bottom as people struggle and succeed to keep afloat above me, wondering when I’ll swim to the surface and join them. My self-doubt is exhausting; it drains myself and the people around me, and before long I’m an afterthought in the background of someone’s life because I was in too deep to show them I cared.
I don’t know when this growing up thing gets easier, when things become natural again. My big break may be around the corner, or it might just be something I always hope for. Either way, standing still won’t help things click into place. I just hope this time I choose a better direction.
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