Everyone is really bummed out right now. Personally, I can only handle so much COVID-19 talk before my eyes glaze over and I become a shell of my former self.
So for a fun change of pace, here is the totally true story of how I found myself in control of Jaime Lee Curtis’ money after she accidentally shoplifted from me.
Let's set the scene:
It was early September 2019. I was starting a new job as a chocolate sales person after leaving an extremely stressful job as a camp counsellor. I was selling BonBons in the deep dark recesses of Toronto—The Path. The Path is a hellhole located underneath the financial district which provides Toronto’s finest with overpriced food and goods while depriving anyone unfortunate enough to work there of any semblance of sunshine. I was stationed in a small kiosk near Queen Station mixed in with the Pusateri’s crowd. Between the $6 onions and the vacant stares of the staff, Pusateri’s has created its own exclusive layer of hell WITHIN hell. It’s an accomplishment, I’ll give them that.
So there I was, baby-faced and apron clad, ready to take on the rich people with a smile.
I had been working at the kiosk a grand total of three days before I was assigned my first solo shift, so the pressure of the day was already mounting. Everything was immaculate—the bonbons were displayed with an artistry that would make da Vinci tear up, and chocolate bars perched on the counter with the love and care of a doe helping her fawn take its first steps. I was a woman ready to impress.
Being Toronto, there’s always something fancy going on and today was no different. The Path saw an increase in foot traffic as TIFF (the Toronto International Film Festival) was in full swing. My ignorant self had zero idea that TIFF events were literally happening ACROSS THE STREET from my humble kiosk. I was but a simple chocolate servant admiring all the beautiful people strolling by my basement prison.
I became slightly more aware that TIFF employees were mulling about as more and more people bought chocolate for their teams of film crews, makeup artists, actors getting their big breaks etc. etc. I happily suggested only the best for these lovely people, unaware that I was about to meet a massive A-lister in mere minutes.
To backtrack a bit—this chocolate company sold lots of really neat things, one of them being these large hollow chocolate eggs. These eggs were about the size of a small football, painted beautifully galaxy-style on the outside, and stuffed with delicious aerated white and milk chocolate on the inside. They also cost $50 each.
Now that you’ve got the mental image of this weird artisanal chocolate egg, imagine turning around and seeing JAMIE LEE CURTIS HOLDING TWO OF THEM.
I am not the coolest or calmest person, and I am absolutely terrible at meeting famous people (people in general really but famous people are 100x worse).
So again, picture ME, in a stupid hat and apron, selling JAMIE LEE CURTIS TWO FREAKING CHOCOLATE EGGS ON MY THIRD DAY OF WORK.
I did the only thing I knew how to do: make awkward small talk as I tried to not spit on her. Here is a rough script of how I recall the conversation:
Jamie Lee Curtis: Hello, I’d like to buy these please.
Me: (sweating) Oh of course, let me ring those right through for you.
Me: (proceeds to scan the eggs wrong, has to delete the transaction and start again)
Me: (panicking, this is taking too long oh my god what do I do oh god I have to say something)
Me: (super cool and casually) Soooo, what are you in town for?
Jamie Lee Curtis: (small, incredibly poignant moment of silence) I’m here for TIFF.
Me: (still can’t freaking figure out how to scan the eggs, on the third attempt now and also trying not to die)
Me: Oh haha neat (sweating increases and so do my chances of waking up at night in a cringy cold sweat thinking of this exact moment).
Jamie Lee Curtis: I’m buying these for the makeup team! They deserve it.
Me: (finally manages to scan the eggs thank god this is the longest minute of my life) Oh so nice of you! What movie are you in?
Jamie Lee Curtis: (inserts her card, proceeds to “pay”) Knives Out - Go see it (I still haven’t I’m sorry)
With a wave of her hand, she took her beautifully packaged eggs and walked away, leaving me stunned and attempting to grasp what happened to me. I barely had time to process the encounter when I looked at my register and noticed a big red box popped up:
TRANSACTION NOT COMPLETED. PLEASE TAKE OUT CARD AND TRY AGAIN.
Instantly, I began to panic. Had Jamie Lee Curtis just run off with $113 worth of merchandise on my third day working? Do I call the police? Would they even believe me??
Then, to increase my stress, I made a startling discovery: Jamie Lee Curtis had FORGOTTEN her PLATINUM AMEX CARD in the machine. She didn’t realize she hadn’t entered her PIN and rushed off before the transaction could be completed. And me, in my starstruck daze, hadn’t realized either.
I began to panic. Again. I raced out of my kiosk hoping to catch her, cackling like a maniac around Pusateri’s because of the sheer absurdity of my situation. Do I just call out her name? Do I yell “JAMIE LEE CURTIS I HAVE YOUR AMEX!” in a crowded shopping plaza? How the heck am I supposed to get in contact with an A-list celebrity when I am a 25 year-old with negligible clout?
Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for a situation like this.
I returned to the kiosk and tried to relax. The only thing I could think to do to find her was track down someone at TIFF, so I began calling any phone number I could find on the TIFF website in hopes that SOMEONE could offer advice.
During this ordeal, I was mesmerized by the power of the AMEX I held in my hand. It was solid as steel, and her perfectly embossed name was almost overwhelming to look at. I probably had thousands of dollars in my small, middle-class palm. What could I DO with this unlimited potential?
Suddenly my daydream was interrupted by a somewhat stressed-out Jamie Lee Curtis emerging from the crowd and searching for little old ME.
I called out to her: “Jaime Lee Curtis! I HAVE YOUR AMEX! AND YOU FORGOT TO PAY!”
I proceeded to walk her through entering her pin. And with that, she was gone.
It was only 11:00 am and I had lived a lifetime.
I have been riding this high for many months and am very grateful that my first A-list interaction was with such a patient and kind woman.
Jamie Lee Curtis, it was a pleasure having you steal from me (and then immediately come back to pay). If you ever need someone to hold onto your AMEX, I think I’ve proven myself quite capable.
I hope this tale of complete absurdity made you smile at least once. Please stay safe, stay inside, wash your hands, and reach out to people if you are lonely! A little chat and a laugh goes a long way.
Okay thanks love you bye!
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