I’m procrastinating going to work.
I have to go in today; there’s things to do and questions to answer. The pit in my stomach and hole in my chest don’t matter on a Monday. My mental health is in shambles because of work stress, and I heard you don’t actually HAVE to cry before work? My morning routine is ruined.
But I told my director I was quitting yesterday. After talking (and yelling) about leaving to anyone with ears, it was time to put what little money I have where my mouth is. I have six more weeks to turn things around, to find a job that pays for everything. I’ve been networking for the first time ever, and I feel slick and snake-like and undeserving of anyone’s time.
Savings? A fall-back? Never heard of her.
Toronto is a weird place to look for work. There’s the classic entry level job requiring 6 years of experience, and then there’s $24,000 salaries (which is peanuts apparently). There’s also cool startups with beer fridges and no benefits, bars that expect you to close at 3:00am and reopen at 7:00am, and also two million other scared young people lying on their Linked In pages.
I'm not some special jobless wonder. I’ve had conversations with coworkers about career fear, and there’s always a confidence behind their voices, a genuine belief that they will find more money, more success; so many friends have told me they are rooting for me, and I don’t want to let anyone know how afraid I really am.
I haven’t been sleeping well, my stomach hurts a lot, and I’ve eaten starburst for breakfast an uncomfortable amount of times. But I don’t lose my keys, I shower pretty regularly, and my jokes have progressively gotten better with age. Can’t somebody give me $50k a year and call it a day?
This is my life at 24; sleepless and anxiety ridden, more confused than I was at 23 or 12 or even birth. I’m sure learning to speak was easier than having to sell myself. I don’t even feel comfortable asking for money from an ATM, let alone a real human being. It's the classic "everyone else seems to have it together; where's my big break?"
Maybe I'm just selfish, spoiled, or just very much oblivious to how getting hired works. Career fear is a big worry on my mind, just like it’s been a worry on so many others. There is a light at the end of this long rejection road, I just want to reach it before someone else gets the job.
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